“For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children

to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me,

but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.”

—Deuteronomy 5:9–10

Just as Mother’s Day is complicated for some of us, Father’s Day can elicit similarly complex emotions.

Fatherlessness has been a recurring motif in my family history. My maternal great-great-grandmother lost her husband in a railroad accident. The lore says that until she got remarried, my great-grandmother and her siblings lived in an orphanage.

My great-grandmother got pregnant with my grandmother out of wedlock. She married my step-great-grandfather, with whom she had three more children. My step-great-grandfather was an abusive alcoholic. Even though he was married to my great-grandmother fifty-plus years, I have no memories of them ever speaking a civil word to each other.

Shortly after graduating from high school, my grandmother got pregnant with my mother. She married my grandfather, but their union was short-lived. When my mother was fairly young, my grandmother remarried the man I’d consider my grandfather.

My mother got pregnant with me when she was sixteen years old, and I don’t know my biological father. My mother thought she knew who he was, based on process of elimination because I wasn’t white. When I myself was sixteen years old, she told me his name and what she remembered about his family. Although I’ve searched for him on and off over the years, I’ve never been able to find him. And based on information I’ve encountered over the past several years, I’m unsure that the person she thought was my father truly is.

The only man I ever knew as a father was actually quite a distant relative—my half-great-aunt’s husband. (As mentioned earlier, my half-great-aunt was my grandmother’s half-sister; they had different fathers.) They were given legal custody of me when I was three years old. In my Mother’s Day blog post, I mentioned my gratitude for having been taken into their home. While an imperfect environment in many ways, I feel fairly certain it was a better option for me than being raised by my biological mother.

In hindsight, I realize that my adopted dad, whom I called “Pa,” had a drinking problem. However, he also was kind, generous, funny, and affectionate. He was the only man I ever received a father’s love from, and his death at age forty-nine, when I was eleven years old, was a catastrophe that sent my family into a decline from which it would never recover.

I often haven’t had a lot of empathy for my younger self during that time of my life and beyond. I felt like I should have held it together better, been stronger and more resilient somehow. But as my husband nears age forty-nine this year—and my daughter prepares to turn eleven years old—I can’t help but think of how utterly shattered she’d be to lose her daddy.

Was eleven-year-old me any different?

One major difference is that my daughter has been a child of God her entire life and has grown up in the church, hearing that Jesus died for her and loves her. She has always known the love of both her earthly father and her Heavenly Father.

I’ve been without an earthly father for most of my life. But by God’s grace, over the years I’ve have come to know Him as my Heavenly Father. And He’s the perfect Father I never knew I wanted or desperately needed.

In Deuteronomy 5:9, the Lord says He’ll “visit the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me.” When I look at my family history, it seems clear to me that the iniquities of the fathers were visited upon all of us.

I’m the fourth generation from my great-great-grandparents, and I give thanks and praise to God every day that He is doing a new thing in my life and in my family (Isaiah 43:19).

For my children, their children, and many generations after them, may the Lord’s promise in Deuteronomy 5:10 be fulfilled, that He’ll “[show] mercy to thousands, to those who love [Him] and keep [His] commandments.”

A blessed Father’s Day to all of the dads out there—and thank you for being the godly leaders your children and the world needs!

With love in Christ,

Amanda

xoxo

P.S. For more Father’s Day content, check out the article I wrote for the Standing for Freedom Center, “Beyond Rank and Color: Timeless Father’s Day Lessons from America’s First Black General.”

Scripture taken from the New King James Version^®. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson. Used by permission. All rights reserved.